Sunday, April 22, 2018

WWE WrestleMania XXXIV

Full disclosure: I gamed the WrestleMania system. And I cheated last year too. And I will next year and probably every year for the foreseeable future because no human being is supposed to watch 7 hours of pro-wrestling in one setting. So show mercy on yourself, wrestling fans. Break it up. Give your eyes a rest. You don't need to watch a 7-hour PPV in one sitting. Actually, you don't need to watch a 7-hour PPV at all. The first two hours were predictably non-mandatory viewing. In an age when there are good-to-great matches on TV every week, missing a "great match" on a pre-show is like driving past a McDonalds on the highway. Don't worry, they'll be more.

I watched WrestleMania XXXIV in chunks. I caught the first two matches on Sunday evening, the next before work on Monday, the next match during my lunch break, and the rest of the show at the gym and then making dinner. By 7:30, I'd finished it, spoiler-free. And, unlike the live crowd, I never tired of what I was seeing. I strongly recommend the experience.

Onto the review...


WWE WrestleMania XXXIV
New Orleans, LA - April 2018

CHAMPIONSHIP RUNDOWN: Coming into tonight's show, Brock Lesnar is the reigning WWE Universal Champion, while AJ Styles holds the WWE World Championship. The SmackDown Tag Team Championships were held by The Usos, while The Bar (Sheamus and Cesaro) were RAW's Tag Team Champions. On the women's side of things, Charlotte was the reigning SmackDown Women's Champion while Alexa Bliss held the RAW Women's Championship. The Intercontinental Champion was The Miz and Randy Orton was in the midst of his first ever United States Championship run. The Cruiserweight Championship was vacant at the time.

COMMENTARY: Corey Graves, Jonathan Coachman, Michael Cole, Byron Saxton & Tom Phillips


WrestleMania (or at least the 5 hours of it I watched) began with the Intercontinental Championship on the line - The Miz defending against Seth Rollins and Finn Balor in a triple threat match. Extra half-point for the introductions and presentation as this WrestleMania really upped the ante with the laser effects and "extras" (for example, Finn Balor arriving with reps from the LGBTQ community). They weren't given a tremendous amount of time, but they also didn't waste a moment of it. I'm not usually a fan of "sprints" like this, but the breakneck pace helped make it feel like each guy was working to score a pinfall, not necessarily get "all their shit in." Because of the energy level and urgency, I liked this more than the highly-regarded Rollins/Balor match from RAW the week prior.(3/5)

Next up was Charlotte defending the SmackDown Women's Championship against Asuka. Again, the entrances were terrific, particularly Charlotte's, and helped give the match a "big fight feel." Unlike the opener, which was super smooth and maybe overly choreographed at times, this was more physical, less predictable, and included higher risk/bigger reward moments (the suplex from the apron to the floor, Charlotte's Spanish Fly off the top, Asuka countering a Flair moonsault into triangle). Not everything was perfectly executed, but I also never got the feeling that Asuka and Charlotte were working together to make this match happen. It wasn't ballet. Going into this, I was firmly behind Asuka (as I've not been a fan of Charlotte's face run), but due to her selling, emotion, and relentless effort to take the fight to Asuka, Charlotte won me over. The finish was a controversial one, but I liked it. Charlotte won with her finisher, clean in the middle of the ring on the biggest stage of the year (all the while still selling limb damage, mind you), and it felt fully earned. If there was a time and way for Asuka to lose her streak, this was the best way possible - after an awesome match against a strong opponent. A likely Top 10 WWE Matches of the Year. (4/5)


As Charlotte celebrated on the ramp, a referee grabbed John Cena (who was enjoying the show from the front row), clearly telling him that the Undertaker had arrived...


The first "piss break" match of the night was next - Randy Orton defending his US Title against Rusev, Jinder Mahal, and Bobby Roode. Not much to say about this beyond Rusev being the only guy that got any response for anything. Orton has come a long way in not letting his disappointment/unhappiness show in his matches as there was a time when he would've let the crowd's indifference affect his performance. Now he just looks like a high school senior in May, all smiles, coasting in a match he knew was inconsequential and designed to give the live audience a chance to use the facilities. While I give Orton credit for hamming it up to try to get the crowd to care, it was a lost cause with even the crowd's love for Rusev seemed to dip as the match went on. (2/5)


In a bit of a surprise, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon vs. Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey came on next. While many expected this bout to occur later in the show, I found its placement (and the pacing of the show overall) to be quite smart. The crowd was guaranteed to be hot this early in the night, but if the match tanked, they left themselves enough time (and high-interest matches) to win them back. In the end, this match may have actually peaked the crowd. After some quality pre-match schtick from the heels, things started rather slowly with Triple H and the noticeably aged Angle trading blows. Once Rousey got in the ring, this match went from 0-to-10 and then to 12 and then to 15. So many great little moments were jammed into this, from Stephanie attacking Rousey's eyes to Rousey stepping up and going toe-to-toe to Triple H to the countless false finishes. They may have gone overkill with the aforementioned false finishes and having Steph successfully block multiple arm bars was unbelievable, but this was easily the best "celebrity match" that's been featured on a WrestleMania since the Big Show/Mayweather match and was as good a debut for Rousey as they could've ever hoped for. (4/5)


The SmackDown Tag Team Championship match followed with The Usos defendng against The New Day and The Bludgeon Brothers. Despite its brevity, I thought this was one of the more subtly brilliant matches of the night. First, The New Day got their elaborate entrance, which was always going to be "their moment" rather than anything they did between bells. Then, we got a real showcase for the Bludgeon Brothers, but by keeping it brief and placing it after the Rousey match, the company was able to get the titles off of the Usos without tarnishing their amazing run on SmackDown. This match was designed to be a bathroom break and it provided that, but instead of being just filler, all 8 guys worked hard, didn't half-ass it, and gave the fans who were still paying attention something to see. This is how a "bathroom break" match could and should be worked. (3/5)


John Cena hit the ring next and got a huge (albeit characteristically mixed) response from the New Orleans crowd. The lights went out and 78 thousand fans got trolled as Elias showed up with a guitar in his hands. Cena, disappointed, went back to his seat as Elias serenaded the crowd. Eventually Elias' fan-bashing inspired Cena to get back in the ring and run him off. The crowd, again, cheered and chanted for the Undertaker, but he did not show and Cena started up the ramp. Why did that ref grab Cena and tell him Undertaker was there? Did he just come to say hi and ghost after the Rousey match? As Cena made his way back up the entranceway, the lights went out again but this time we also heard the Deadman's trademark bell. In the center of the ring, The Undertaker's gear got struck by lightning in a cool moment and had the segment ended there, I think this would've earned a bonus point for the show. Unfortunately, though, it did not. Instead, The Undertaker finally arrived and proceeded to spend the better part of 10 minutes making his way down the aisle. Once the match began, the fans were hyped, the announcers were hyped, and both competitors looked ready to go...but Cena got squashed in 3 minutes and that was it. The best thing in this match was Cena's reactions to the Undertaker's sit-up. The worst thing was Undertaker missing a big boot by a country mile. There wasn't really anthing else to speak of. Even Elias' cameo at the start felt too much like what he does on RAW every week rather than something special for the biggest show of the year. This whole 20-30 minute chunk of the show was poorly planned, which is kind of a shame as the build-up featured some of Cena's best promos in years. (1/5)


The next match saw the return of Daniel Bryan, teaming up with Shane McMahon to take on Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn. After a tremendous entrance, Bryan got sidelined early in a nod to his last New Orleans WrestleMania match which forced Shane McMahon to try to carry the first half of this match. Unfortunately, he's not a sympathetic enough character or a good enough worker to achieve what this match could've, though Owens and Zayn did work hard to keep the crowd invested for the payoff. McMahon made sure to get his Coast-to-Coast spot in, but the fact that he does it every match, even in matches where he's outnumbered by two top heels, took me out of the match even more. Daniel Bryan righted the ship through his (awesome) save and everything he did from that moment to the end was excellent and got big reactions. Bryan's spirit and energy, his kip-up, his dropkicks, his running knee - it boosted this match from middling to really good. Great emotional tag at the end too with Bryan sharing a kiss with his wife. (3/5)


Nia Jax vs. Alexa Bliss was one of the sleeper hits of this show. Going into the event, there was widespread expectation that this would be a short squash. For whatever reason, many fans not only expected this, but wanted it. I had a different outlook. I tend to enjoy what I call "brother matches," where you know two workers have spent considerable time (maybe their childhood, hence my nickname) imagining what they could do together and get the opportunity to perform that dream match they've talked about for miles on the road. Also, Alexa Bliss had an excellent 2017 in-ring and deserved a spotlight match just as much as Charlotte and Asuka. While the crowd may have been burned out by this point, I wasn't, and found this to be fantastic with a fun opening stretch that saw Mickie James get taken out and a strong emotion-driven story. Bliss's facial expressions were on-point throughout and some of the punishment she took was nasty. While not as good as the SmackDown Women's Championship match, this was criminally overlooked and underrated by many critics and fans. (3.5/5)


AJ Styles defended his WWE Championship against Nakamura in the next contest. This was another one that seemed to split fans based more on expectations than what was executed in the ring. Two years ago, Nakamura seemed like a revelation. He was Mick Jagger cool, had the otherworldliness of Michael Jackson, and he kicked the crap out of people. Over time, though, it became clear that Nakamura, as charismatic as he is, wasn't a miracle worker. Boneheaded booking set him up to wrestle 50/50 matches against Dolph Ziggler that damaged his aura. He couldn't win "the big one" against Jinder Mahal (who, despite his push, is still regarded by most as a jobber) which hurt his kayfabe credibility too. His detractors said he was phoning it in, while his supporters cried "Just wait till he gets to face AJ." This match showed there's some truth to both statements. Nakamura put on his best, most aggressive performance since his debut and I like that he didn't spam all of his trademark gestures into the first 5 minutes of the match (a nasty tendency that probably comes from being overproduced for his TV matches). AJ Styles, meanwhile, once again proved his versatility, flying all over the ring, throwing stiff strikes, and taking his opponent to the mat with smooth counters too. If the first half wasn't more than just good, the last 10 minutes saw them go to that "second gear" as they built to a stunning Styles Clash finish On its own, I'd probably have this match as 3.5 stars, but the post-match angle nudged it into "Should Watch / Must Watch" territory. In a brilliant, twisted reprise of the end of Charlotte/Asuka match, Nakamura turned on Styles after feigning his respect, striking him with a low blow and then stomping him in the head repeatedly (all the while mocking him in his native tongue). And just like that, Nakamura is back to being in the conversation as the most important character in the WWE today. (4/5)


The next "match" was more a blowoff angle than a real contest as The Bar defended the RAW Tag Team Titles against Braun Strowman and his unselected opponent. Before the match started, The Bar came out in a Mardi Gras float with a full jazz band. Strowman then arrived, shoved the float off the stage, and went searching the crowd for a partner (eventually landing on a 10 year old kid named Nicholas). Again, I think breaking up this show into manageable viewing chunks was the difference-maker in how enjoyable the segment was. If you were now in Hour #6, I can totally understand feeling impatient as you watched Strowman and a preteen take on Cesaro and Sheamus in a filler comedy match. To me, this was an effective palate cleanser between the two major championship matches, a segment designed to put a smile on the crowd's face more than wow them with feats of strength or physicality. Unlike the other tag title match on this show, I don't think The Bar escaped this one with their reputation as intact as The Usos did, but nobody expected them to leave with the gold either. For what this was and what it was intended to be, I found it entertaining enough. (2/5)


Main event time - Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns for the Universal Championship. Unlike most of the other matches on this show, we didn't get elaborate entrances for either guy, though Lesnar did at least get a rousing introduction from Paul Heyman. The crowd was pro-Lesnar to start, as expected, but neither guy received ovations as big as Rousey or Taker or Cena or... The match started off with incredibly stiff, imperfect suplexes from Lesnar before Reigns retaliated with some Superman Punches. To the outside they went where Lesnar changed things up from germans to overhead belly-to-bellies. At one point, he sent Reigns into a table with absolutely no elevation, which looked like a botch, but was arguably more painful-looking than if he had actually lifted him off his feet. At this point, even if the live crowd wasn't fully behind this match (which it wasn't), I was invested. Back into the ring they went where Lesnar, again, stuck to the Suplex City offense. According to live reports, this was roughly when the beach balls came out. After rolling back out to the floor, Reign got a second wind, sent Lesnar head-first into the post (I'm assuming he was meant to blade here but, for whatever reason, didn't) and then speared him onto the announce table in his best offensive strike of the match. At this point, I believed (live crowd indifference or not) that this would be the Match of the Night as it looked like the brutality was only going to increase in the second half. Unfortunately, after failing to win off of a series of Superman Punches, Lesnar hit Reigns with a sharp high knee and a series of F5s. This is where the match went completely off the rails and seemingly all the fans really turned on it. It was an absolute slaughtering, the likes of which we haven't seen since SummerSlam 2014. That match, however, was fresh. I'd have to rewatch it, but I also don't recall Lesnar attempting multiple pinfalls that Cena kicked out of. Here, Reigns' kickouts only trolled the audience and a "This Is Awful" chant broke out. By teasing that Reigns could've still won the match, that the booking would be so favorable towards him that they'd make him withstand a barrage of silver bullets straight to the heart and head and somehow win, McMahon galvanized Roman's haters even more while also highlighting how repetitive and rote Lesnar's performances have become. It was incredible in the worst way. I'm not sure I've ever seen a match designed to play entirely to both men's weaknesses. After a number of F5s, the match still didn't end, though, as before that could happen (and put this match and these fans out of their misery) Lesnar elbowed Reigns in the face to cut him hardway in a wholly unnecessary callback to the equally ill-received Orton/Lesnar match from last year's SummerSlam. After listening to Steve Austin and Bret Hart talk about the blood in their WrestleMania XIII classic, it makes this sort of stunt even harder to stomach. As gruesome as it may seem, there was an art and delicacy to "blading" that the old timers took pride in. Elbowing guys in the head until they legitimately bleed is just stupidly dangerous. The first half of this match was so good, it wouldn't be right to give this a full 0 score, but once the F5s started coming out, this match rapidly declined to total disappointment territory. (2/5)


With the benefit of breaks, WrestleMania XXXIV was one of the best shows I've seen from the WWE in quite some time. Its Kwang Score of 2.81-out-of-5 may not seem that impressive, but on a card with 11 matches, its tough to end up with an average match rating above average. Had the main event delivered, this could easily stand as a Top 5 WrestleMania, but even without it, this show might be in the running as a Top 10 edition. Asuka/Charlotte and the Rousey Tag were the clear high points of the show, but Jax/Bliss and Nakamura/Styles were also terrific and, while they weren't standout contests, the SmackDown Tag Championship match was highly effective in delivering new champs without tarnishing the division's two biggest duos. Daniel Bryan's return provided the "feel good" moment it needed to and the opener over-delivered. Numerically, it may not seem like this show was a monumental success, but the pacing and production kept me entertained throughout. Even the main and the Undertaker/Cena segment, while not good matches, could still be recommended based on their car crash quality.


FINAL RATING - Watch It

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