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St. Valentine's Day Massacre starts off with Goldust vs. Bluedust (aka the Blue Meanie) in what was essentially a squash match that goes under 3 minutes. Goldust looked better in these 3 minutes than I remember him being in 99', but by this point, he had fallen very low on the card and the Goldust character needed something new and fresh that I'd argue Dustin didn't find until he started teaming with Booker T several years later. (1/5)
Al Snow defended the WWE Hardcore Championship against Hardcore Holly in the next match. I feel like these two fought this same match multiple times in 99' and 2000 and I was never into any of them. There's all sorts of weapon shots in the match, including a stiff chair shot early, and they end up all the way in the river at one point, but this style of wrestling isn't my cup of tea. I'll give credit where its due and admit that there was escalation of violence as the match wore on - from outside the ring, to the back, to the riverbank, and then onto the concrete - but this sort of match makes 10 minutes feel like 20 to me. (1.5/5)
Talking about a match going half as long as it feels - Mideon took on The Big Bossman in the next match. I have no clue why this match was put on PPV or why Mideon was able to get any offense in at all. Bossman should've dominated this match to make him look strong for his impending Hell in a Cell match against The Undertaker, but instead, he and Mideon have an actual wrestling match which, predictably, garners chants of "Boring" from the crowd before it wraps up. After the match, the Ministry comes down, beats up on Bossman, and then abducts him. It was a cool angle, but it should've happened after a much shorter match that made Bossman look like a real threat. Also, this felt like a heel/heel match even if the Ministry were "tweeners" at this point. (0.5/5)
In a second heel/heel match in a row, Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett defended the WWE Tag Team Championships against D'Lo Brown and Mark Henry (who was fully into his Sexual Chocolate gimmick). I'm guessing that Brown and Henry were supposed to be the babyfaces because Hart and Jarrett were more dastardly, but they'd spent so much time in the Nation of Domination that it was hard to see them in that light (and the crowd clearly didn't). Brown and Henry are backed up by Ivory, who is cast as the equalizer against Debra McMichael. Their interactions in this match are really poor. Owen, Jeff, and D'Lo were all fine in the match and Henry's weaknesses (he was still just a few years into his career) were covered well, but this was not a strong match or anything worth seeing even if you're the world's biggest Owen fan. (1.5/5)
The next match is for the Intercontinental Championship and features Billy Gunn as the guest referee - Ken Shamrock defending the title against Val Venis, who had seduced Shamrock's kayfabe sister, Ryan. This is one of the more well-known and tawdry storylines from the Attitude Era and, in the time of a somewhat nascent internet, one that was also dissected quite a bit online as fans first wondered if Ryan was his actual sister (she was not) and then, over the next several weeks/months, learned that Ryan was, in reality, dating Ken Shamrock and that Shamrock reportedly turned down a Vince-proposed angle in which it would be revealed that Ken and Ryan had an incestuous relationship on-screen (or that Ken Shamrock lusted after his own sister). Regardless, the Intercontinental Championship and its importance took a major backseat to all the storyline nonsense. Venis was over with the crowd - or at least his entrance and in-ring salutation ("Hello Ladies!") was - but this match had zero heat by minute 4 or 5. The audience doesn't quite shit on it, but the indifference is palpable. I liked Billy Gunn's purposefully-bad refereeing, but a little goes a long way on that and, in a match went 15+ minutes, it got a bit tiring. I'm going to go ahead and give an extra point for the Ken and Ryan exchange on the outside as, among my friends, Ken Shamrock audibly instructing his "sister" became one of our longest-running in-jokes, a meme 20+ years before such a thing existed. Aside from that moment, that comes fairly close to the end of the match, this is one I'd actively avoid. (2/5)
Chyna and Kane take on DX's Triple H and X-Pac in the next contest. The Chyna/Kane/Triple H saga, which saw Chyna turn on DX to join the Corporation in late January/early February (?) and then led to a double-turn at WrestleMania (where Triple H would also join the Corporation and Kane would effectively be thrown out) doesn't make any sense if you plot it all out week-to-week. One would have to believe that Triple H and Chyna, who were secretly pulling a long con on X-Pac and Kane for no apparent reason, would willfully hurt eachother and physically fight for weeks and weeks just to fool their tag team partners/opponents/the fans so that they (specifically Triple H) could...win a random, non-title, no-stakes wrestling match against Kane at WrestleMania? But on this night, in front of this crowd, and without having to worry about any of it making sense, these four performers put on an absolutely great match. If the previous 15-minute bout had zero heat, this one has the crowd going crazy from beginning to end. I loved how dominate Kane was at times and that it often took double-teams to bring him down. This was Kane-as-Jason Voorhees, the best role he ever got to play but not always one that I found riveting. Here, it works. I love how Triple H sold for him. I thought X-Pac did a wonderful job holding the match together in certain ways and him striking Shane (who was on commentary) was a great touch. This one never got boring, never really slowed down, but also wasn't so wild that it could be considered a "spotfest" or rushed. They milked the Chyna/HHH moments perfectly and the crowd exploded when he finally got some offense on her. The finish was the right level of messy, though I do wish it had been executed a bit "tighter" as Triple H had to sell the chokeslam for at least 1-2 beats too long in my eyes. All in all, though, a really, really strong match and a hidden gem that I've seen very few people ever mention as a great - and somewhat historic (the commentators note that its the first time a woman has ever competed against men in a match that wasn't "mixed tag") - contest. (4/5)
The next match saw Mankind defend his WWE World Championship against The Rock in a Last Man Standing match. Its been so long since I've read Foley's first two books that I can't quite remember what was going on backstage at the time and if his feud with The Rock had always been designed to be multiple matches (with multiple title changes). On one hand, their familiarity with each other created a dynamic and chemistry that resulted in some excellent TV. On the other hand, after the brutality of the I Quit match they had at the Royal Rumble the previous month and the cinematic quality of their Halftime Heat match (which, if I'm not mistaken, was fought under Falls Count Anywhere rules), there wasn't much territory on the hardcore map that these two hadn't already traversed (its also worth noting that, earlier in the show, Al Snow and Hardcore Holly had also had a lengthy match with loads and loads of weaponry and atypical locales). Still, Mankind puts in a strong effort to deliver on the promise of the match - which was basically impossible after what they'd done at the Rumble - and takes at least two absolutely nasty bumps in this match. The first is a nasty back suplex on the concrete floor as they brawl their way through the arena. The second is a back body drop off of one of the announce tables that, in a scene similar to what he and HBK had done at Mind Games, his legs land awkwardly on a number of chairs. Its a terrific bump that isn't quite captured as well as it could've/should've been by the cameras (and one that I'd completely forgot about, but won't likely forget anytime soon). The Rock's performance leans much heavier on the comedy shtick as he sits down for some commentary at one point and sings "SmackDown Hotel" mid-match, but when he has to bring the fire, he does. I wish the commentary team had noted how much his antics were actually costing him as, for example, when impersonating Elvis, his singing effectively distracts Earl Hebner from counting Foley down. The finish was a legit shocker as I had a false memory of The Rock leaving this one with his arm raised. All in all, an above-average match but one that got forgotten over time because of the higher profile and higher level of brutality of their previous three matches. (3/5)
Main event time - "Stone Cold" Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon in a Steel Cage. This is about as one-sided as a main event could be, which made sense considering that Austin was the ultimate ass-kicker and McMahon, despite looking like a million bucks, was a cowardly blowhard. The performances of both guys are on-point and the crowd eats up everything that Austin does, but I wouldn't call this a "great" match in that there's really not much suspense to any of it. In a weird way, as much as it makes 100% sense that Austin would completely control and outsmart McMahon from beginning to end, the fact that McMahon has seemingly no backup plan or help from the multiple wrestlers he has working under him in the Corporation (not to mention the Stooges or his son Shane), lacks that same level of logic. This match is mostly remembered, though, for two things: the tremendous bump that Vince McMahon takes off the cage and through a table and the debut of Paul Wight (who would be dubbed "The Big Show" within a couple weeks of this show). The Vince bump is a cool spot, but personally, I was more impressed with the smart ways they stretched this match out by having Austin essentially refuse to win multiple times - first by stating that, because the match had never formally begun, McMahon getting wheeled out on a stretcher "didn't count" and, later, by having Austin return to the ring multiple times when he saw that Vince was not yet down for the count and still flipping him off. I've seen some people call this an all-time classic, but this falls short to me just because of the lack of drama or suspense. (3.5/5)
With a Kwang Score of 2.13-out-of-5, St. Valentine's Day Massacre is not a show worth checking out as a whole. However, on the positive side, its very easy to find the parts worth watching: just fast forward to the last 80-90 minutes (and if you time it just right, you'll even catch the wonderful "Slap Me" moment from the otherwise boring Shamrock/Venis match). The DX tag is a ton of fun, the Mankind/Rock Last Man Standing Match is better than you probably remember it being, and the main event - while not quite essential viewing - holds up as an above-average piece of sports-entertainment. Too bad the first half of this show is generally terrible.
FINAL RATING - Watch It...With Remote in Hand
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