I've always avoided WrestleMania II - not just as an older viewer, but even as a younger one, based on the card alone. In the 90s, King Kong Bundy was a midcarder at best and not a very good worker so I had little interest in watching a pay-per-view with him in the main event. I had similar thoughts about George "The Animal" Steele based on his occasional appearances as a manager/"personality" - I saw him as nothing more than a hairy weirdo and had little interest in actually seeing what he could do in an actual match. Maybe I would've cared about Roddy Piper vs. Mr. T if I was alive and hip enough to know who Mr. T was. But I was born in 84' and, by the time I started following wrestling, The A-Team was a thing of the past and Mr. T was no longer the pop culture icon he once was.
But I decided to finally watch the one WrestleMania I'd never seen - not even once in full - this year...
The show opens up with Ray Charles singing "America The Beautiful." Its not the best performance of the song, but it may be the most real. The audio is imperfect and Charles takes a few lines before he really feels like he's in the groove. Its really cool to here a soul legend find his footing a bit on live TV and then end up bringing the house down because of the emotion and even an air of pathos that he gives the song. As joyous as the song is, as much as it speaks to the beauty of America, as patriotic is, Charles' voice and delivery has that incredible quality of also making it clear that this song is also about striving to live up to an ideal that America - in terms of race and disability and class - has still not reached. Anyway, probably the most thought-provoking musical performance in the history of the WWE.
We're in New York City...actually Uniondale, in the Nassau Coliseum...for the first set of big WrestleMania matches, welcomed to the show by Vince McMahon, who introduces his co-host, actress Susan Saint James. The opening contest pits the semi-recently-turned-babyface "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff against Don Muraco. I'm not 100% sure but I believe that this was before Orndorff's spinal injury just because he looks fully ripped here (the injury caused his right arm to weaken and look noticeably smaller than his left). This isn't much of a match as it goes under 5 minutes and ends with a double countout (that draws "Bullshit" chants from the audience), but the little bit of action we do get is intense. This isn't the type of action that would blow a modern wrestling fan away, but check out how angry and explosive their collar-and-elbow tie-up is. Its too bad this match didn't amount to much because the crowd was into it. (1.5/5)
The Intercontinental Champion, "The Macho Man" Randy Savage, defends his title against George "The Animal" Steele in the next contest. While the title was on the line, the real story here was about Steele's obsession with Miss Elizabeth. There's not much "scientific wrestling" going on, but you gotta love Savage still finding a way to make this fast-paced and exciting despite how largely immobile and unathletic Steele was. What I wasn't as much of a fan of was the use of a bouquet of flowers as a weapon - too comic - and Steele getting to kick out of Savage's finisher for no reason. This match didn't go long enough to leave much of an impression aside from just how good Savage was at getting blood out of a stone. (1.5/5)
Jake "The Snake" Roberts is out next to take on George Wells. Wells was a journeyman wrestler in the 70s and 80s and I'm not sure if I'd ever reviewed one of his matches before. He actually gets quite a bit of offense in this match and, as they note on commentary, seems to be in control of the match and on the brink of winning before Jake turns the tides with an eye poke and hits the DDT in under 4 minutes. Not much of a match and not even all that much of a showcase for Roberts, but he does unleash Damian, which gets a big reaction. Another match that seems more like something you'd get on a random episode of TV than on a pay-per-view, but, to be fair, this was only the WWE's second pay-per-view so there's really no template yet for what these sorts of events should be. (1/5)
The Uniondale main event is next as Roddy Piper takes on Mr. T in a Boxing Match. This show is loaded with celebrities and this match may have the most of any - Cab Calloway is there, "Smokin'" Joe Frazier is one of T's cornermen, Daryl Dawkins is around, Joan Rivers is doing the announcing, and Herb (who I had to read about because his Burger King commercial appearances happened when I was a toddler) also makes an appearance for some reason. Oh, and J. Gordon Liddy is there too - which is crazy to think about just because its hard to imagine why a guy who had orchestrated a massive crime that shook the foundation of the country (borderline treason) became an 80s celebrity. Then again, Gennifer Flowers showed up on a future WrestleMania too and obviously Trump is in the WWE Hall of Fame too. Anyway, onto the action...I'm not sure how much of this match was planned or rehearsed or whatever because, ultimately, its pretty boring. They do a good job of making it unclear whether things are overtly "worked" or not - there are some rough-looking body shots and both guys go for haymakers but there is also a sense that they're not going "full bore" with any of their punches or actively trying to win. They're either two very good fake boxers or two very bad real boxers and it doesn't really matter which. I've never read a definitive story about the fight but supposedly Piper was pissed off that Mr. T missed what was supposed to be "the big punch" and had to sell a whiff by falling outside of the ring, but I didn't necessarily catch that and most viewers probably wouldn't have either. Piper's character work was terrific throughout the match, though - like Savage earlier on the show, Piper was so good and so larger-than-life and so hateable that he was able to turn a shitty scenario into something that was at least tolerable. I wish they would've actually "overbooked" this match a bit more instead of trying to present it as legitimate as they did, especially with the BS ending that saw Piper get disqualified by bodyslamming Mr. T despite the bout being fairly even. It would've made much more sense of Piper was clearly losing the fight, but he wasn't. Dave Meltzer famously gave this match -5 stars but this isn't even the worst match on the show, let alone one of the worst matches of all time. (1.5/5)
With the New York portion ended, we go to the Rosemont Horizon in suburban Chicago for the next few matches, kicking off with The Fabulous Moolah defending her WWE Women's Championship against Velvet McIntyre. I had no idea that McIntyre was so tall. A year earlier, WrestleMania had featured Wendi Richter regaining the title, but as she saw her star rise and wanted to actually get paid decent money, Vince and Moolah orchestrated what is now known as "The Original Screwjob" to get the title off of her in November 1984. Anyway, this is a total squash that doesn't seem to benefit anyway. I'm not sure if Moolah was supposed to be a babyface, but the crowd boos her. Velvet McIntyre actually looks like she could move and perform while Moolah was already 62 fucking years old. I guess I should award this match a point for going less than 3 minutes, but this is objectively terrible and McIntyre, even from the brief glimpse of her talent we get here, certainly seems like a much more capable wrestler that should've won. (1/5)
Another shit match follows as Nikolai Volkoff takes on Corporal Kirchner. Kirchner had an impressive look and natural charisma as he looked like a legitimate psycho. I've not seen a ton of Volkoff's matches but I've seen enough to know that he was not my cup of tea. Like the match that preceded it, this one only lasts a few minutes. The finish is also insanely stupid as Freddie Blassie basically tosses Kirchner his cane when Volkoff isn't in any position to catch it and Kirchner levels Volkoff with it to get the win. The crowd loved it because anti-Russian sentiment was still a thing in 1985 but this was bad. (0.5/5)
Dick Butkus, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, and the "Where's The Beef?" Lady are all introduced prior to the next match - a 20-man Battle Royale featuring a ton of WWE superstars and a handful of NFL players. William "Refrigerator" Perry is the most recognizable name to me, but I'm not an NFL superfan. Ted Arcidi is in the match and I'm not sure I've ever seen a guy more ripped - and I doubt it was natural. Supposedly, he was the first man to bench press over 700 pounds, which is just insane. The big story in the match, though, seems to revolve around "Big" John Studd and his disrespect for the NFL players invading his turf, specifically NFL player Bill Fralic. Like most battle royals, especially back in the 80s and 90s, there's not a ton of good wrestling here but its fun to see all the stars and future stars in the ring - Andre the Giant is there, Haku is around, Pedro Morales and Bruno Sammartino are involved but not made to look particularly strong, and you've got both the Bees and the Hart Foundation in there too. I liked the showdown between Studd and Perry, though I would say that seeing "Big" John Studd going toe-to-toe with 6'5'' Fralic earlier in the broadcast made it clear that Studd was probably not the 6'10'' giant he was advertised as. Andre gets the victory after press-slamming Hart onto Neidhart to pop the crowd. (2/5)
Chicago's main event - and the first match to actually feature a real, genuine story and quality back-and-forth action - is next as The Dream Team of Brutus Beefcake and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine defend the WWE Tag Team Championships against The British Bulldogs. The Bulldogs were managed by Captain Lou Albano at this time, but Ozzy Osbourne is also at ringside for them. I remember reading, years ago, that Beefcake was supposed to be a stereotypical gay character, but I really didn't understand until I learned he was originally billed from San Francisco and gave deeper thought to his ring name. Compared to Adrian Adonis, who would appear later on this show, it wasn't nearly as overt and I'm not sure why a male stripper (which was also a part of his gimmick) would necessarily be gay. Regardless, this is the best match of the card up till this point by a wide margin. I've not been too kind to Greg Valentine in this blog, often calling his matches boring and his work a bit too methodical for my liking (aside from the Dog Collar Match against Piper at Starrcade 83', the vast majority of Valentine's matches that I've rated fell at average or below), but I may have to revise my opinion a bit and give some credit to him as a tag worker. In this context, his aggressive style and psychology are much better. Davey Boy and Dynamite were a great team and while Dynamite is considered the better work, Davey Boy might have looked even better in this contest. Beefcake is the weak link but because Valentine works the majority of the match for his team, its not like his few minutes spoil anything. Meltzer gave this 4-stars, which I think even he would probably take back now on re-watch, but, to be fair, this match was also light years beyond everything that came before it on this show and in most WWE broadcasts. Within a couple years, this wouldn't have been all that special, but for 1986? Sure, I can see this being considered something special. Its also worth noting that this match features a handful of spots that I would've been positive hadn't really been "invented" by this point, but lo and behold, here they are busting out some stuff that I figured wouldn't come into vogue for another few years (like the shoulder block into the post transition). (3.5/5)
Off to LA we go for the next portion of the show. Unlike the lively Chicago and Uniondale crowds, LA seems a little quiet and less crowded (at least for their opening contest). Elvira has joined the commentary booth and, of the three female guest commentators on this show, she's the best of the bunch just because she is paired with Ventura and the two have good chemistry (even if the sexual innuendos get to be a bit much). Ricky Steamboat takes on Hercules Hernandez in the next match and they make the most out of their 7-and-a-half minutes. I think the brilliance here is that Steamboat was such a great, smooth, and sympathetic worker and Hercules Hernandez did the "little things" right for a big man, especially at this point in his career (he'd move much slower and come off as much less passionate and driven in his later years). They keep things simple and straightforward and it pays off because the crowd is with them from beginning to end and the match never gets boring. One of the better matches on the card thus far. (2.5/5)
"Adorable" Adrian Adonis vs. Uncle Elmer followed. Uncle Elmer had a respectable career prior to joining the WWE in 1985. He also won Worst Wrestler of the Year that year from The Observer. This match goes 3 minutes, which is about all these two can muster. This wasn't good, but it wasn't long enough to be torturous and Adonis, despite his weight gain, could still move decently in the ring at this point. (1.5/5)
A tag team match pitting "Hoss" Funk and Terry Funk vs. The Junkyard Dog and Tito Santana is next. "Hoss" is Dory Funk Jr., by the way. This is a terrific little match, mostly because of just how stinkin' good Terry Funk is. He brings an edge to this match that exists nowhere else on the card and, though I'd have to fact-check it, I wondered if the table bump he takes (which the cameraman misses most of) was the first of its kind on WWE broadcast. I was shocked to read that this match is only hovering in the average range on Cagematch because this match is a ton of fun, doesn't overstay its welcome, and because its a tag match, you also get JYD shining in a way that sometimes he struggled to do in longer singles matches. The crowd was hot for this and, again, you really can't downplay Terry Funk's performance here as he is just bumping and selling like a madman while still getting his own offense over as fierce. Borderline "must see" but not quite there because, in some ways, this is a one-man show where everyone else is just alright (though, being "alright" probably makes this one of the best Junkyard Dog matches in his entire WWE run). (3.5/5)
Main event time - Hulk Hogan defending his WWE World Heavyweight Championship against the man who injured his ribs, King Kong Bundy, in a steel cage match. I'm a sucker for Hogan's main events despite their predictability, but this is still a tough match to defend. Unlike his bout against Andre the following year, which was a tremendous spectacle, or his highly entertaining clashes with Savage and Warrior at WrestleManias V and VI, this is a house show main event promoted as something bigger and greater than it ever could be. Bobby Heenan adds a little, but not nearly enough, to a very basic match. Some credit should be given for Bundy getting some "color" to add credibility to the steel cage gimmick, something the WWE no longer does. This isn't a terrible match - just simple, straight-forward, and inoffensive. What helps is that the crowd was into it, Ventura is on commentary, and they stick to a formula without trying to add too much unnecessary drama or going overlong. (2.5/5)
Justifiably considered among the worst WrestleManias of all time, its impossible to recommend this to anyone but a WWE completist. The two tag matches are good and shine even brighter when compared to the rest of the matches on the card, but there are countless better matches involving the Bulldogs and the Funks, both in tag action and in singles. The main event isn't as awful as most say, but the Mr. T/Piper fight is underwhelming considering the star power and Piper's reputation as one of the best sports-entertainers of any era. With a Kwang Score of 1.88-out-of-5, this show actually beats out WrestleMania IV, though I wouldn't want to sit through either ever again.
FINAL RATING - DUDleyville
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