WWE Judgment Day 2003

WWE Judgment Day 2003

Charlotte, North Carolina - May 2003

CHAMPIONSHIP RUNDOWN: Coming into Judgment Day 2003, the WWE Champion is Brock Lesnar, while Triple H holds the World Heavyweight Championship. Jazz is the Womens' Champion and Matt Hardy holds the Cruiserweight Championship, with both the US and IC Titles still vacant (though, the IC Title will be up for grabs on this show). Kane and Rob Van Dam hold the World Tag Team Titles, while Team Angle are the WWE Tag Team Champions.

COMMENTARY: SmackDown (Cole and Tazz), RAW (JR and Lawler)

The show starts on the right foot with the arrival of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, the co-General Manager of RAW. Huge "What" chants as Austin starts listing where he won't be watching the action from, finally announcing that he'll be enjoying himself in his own personal Skybox. With the immortal words, "Let the beer drinking begin," Austin heads into the crowd and towards his seat. I'm not sure what the point of this was aside from popping the crowd, but its a smart one because, on paper, this show looks like it could get gruesome. (+1)

It's Basic Thuganomics time - John Cena cuts a pretty lame Mafia-inspired rhyme to welcome his tag team partners, the "FBI" (that's Full Blooded Italians), Chuck Palumbo and Johnny Stamboli (with Nunzio as their manager). Their opponents tonight are the odd couple trio of the Chris Benoit, Rhyno, and Brain "Spanky" Kendrick. Not much of a match here with Benoit wasted and much of the attention put on Kendrick (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but this wouldn't rank as one of his shining moments either). Inoffensive but openers should be hotter than this. (2/5)

An Austin and Bischoff segment in the Skybox is followed by another tag match - Test and Scott Steiner taking on La Resistance, Sylvan Grenier and Rene Dupree. Its remarkable how mature Dupree looks considering he was 19 years old at the time. Crazy. Test looks like he's spending his weekends in one of those rejuvenation tanks from Empire Strikes Back only instead of "rejuvenation fluid" or whatever Luke was floating in, Test's tank is filled with liquid steroids. You know you're hitting the juice too hard when you're teaming with Scott Steiner and he looks more naturally fit than you. As for the match, its a skippable as one could/would imagine. Too short to be offensive, but man, this is the type of match that just makes you think - Did the WWE intentionally bring Steiner in to bury him or did they initially actually give half a shit? (1.5/5)

Hulk Ho - err, "Mr. America" is backstage with Gwegowy Helms. Corny. Then its Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri in the locker room with Josh Matthews looking absolutely ridiculous - like he's auditioning to play Guitarist #2 for a bio-pic about the band Crazy Town. Josh Matthews' outfit is amazing enough to earn a point. (+1)

Back in the ring, it's time for a Ladder Match - Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri vs. Team Angle (Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas) for the WWE Tag Team Championships. Team Angle controls early, connecting with a very cool two-man gut-buster on Eddie Guerrero. Tajiri and Eddie mistime a hope spot but it at least makes sense considering this is their first team-up. Tajiri knocks down the ladder with a convoluted handspring elbow, the kind of spot that just screams "This isn't really a fight." Despite a ladder already being in the ring, Eddie and Tajiri bring another one in and Eddie hits a beautiful (but utterly stupid) senton onto Charlie Haas smushed between them. Benjamin hits a nasty bodyslam on Guerrero into a ladder moments later and then, with help from Haas, hits an incredible leap-frog drop (for lack of a better descriptor) on Tajiri (who is lying on a ladder). Again, cool spot, but convoluted and a brazen laugh at the idea that these guys should be trying to actually win the match much more than they do. Guerrero hits a frog splash from the top of the ladder on Shelton Benjamin later on, though, at least in that instance Tazz tries to explain Eddie's motivation on commentary. Not two minutes later, Eddie hits (and nearly botches) a sunset flip powerbomb onto Haas and, with help from Tajiri and his green mist, we have new WWE Tag Team Champions. Had this been the opening contest, it may have worked better, but there were two many near-botches and not enough psychology or urgency for this to stand up as anything more than just a fun spotfest. More enjoyable than an average match, but not anything I'd recommend. (3/5)

Segments galore next - first, Austin and Bischoff drinking beer (mildly entertaining) and then Chris Jericho and Roddy Piper backstage. Piper makes a mockery of deaf culture, which is hard to watch but not surprising considering this is the WWE in 2003 and there was nothing "PC" about the operation at the time. The last segment is a video package highlighting the history of the Intercontinental Championship, which is returning tonight and being rewarded to the winner of the next match...

A 10-Man Battle Royale featuring 9 former champions and Booker T! "The Book" is definitely the most over babyface in the match, though Rob Van Dam and Kane have their supporters too. Val Venis returns to his original moniker here, a gimmick he'd utilize (without success) for the next 5 and a half years. Clever final four, with tag partners Goldust and Booker having to outlast their rivals Christian and Jericho. Absurd finish that angers the crowd and could be seen coming a mile away. I think the entrances for this match went longer than the actual contest. I'd call this a slightly below average battle royal. (2/5)

Alright, four matches in and I'd say only one has been even average (and, unsurprisingly, it featured Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri)...

Before the next contest, we see Sable and Torrie Wilson chatting it up in skimpy robes. Sable borrows oil from Torrie, rubs it on her leg and tells Torrie to try some because she's going to need it...which is why she brought it. Cole and Tazz take over on commentary and they do a "Tale of the Tape" (because fans should definitely be aware of these women' bra sizes) and then air a video building up the next segment - a Bikini Contest. Torrie Wilson dances behind a screen and is sung into the ring by Lillian Garcia as the crowd respectfully sits on their hands and waits patiently for the PG-13-rated "excitement" they'll be getting. Sable comes out second and, because her robe is wide open, the audience gets a full view of her and any suspense this segment might have had is cut in half. Tazz goes over the rules (because a bikini contest has more than you'd think). Sable takes off her robe first and the crowd pops as she grinds in one of the smallest bikinis in the history of swimwear. I've had strands of broccoli stuck in my teeth that could cover more. Torrie goes second and reveals a Playboy-inspired outfit that is considerably less trashy, but still plenty trashy. The crowd clearly pops for the heel (Sable) more, which makes sense because she's wearing dental floss, but then Torrie announces that she "wasn't quite finished" and reveals that she too is wearing a bikini that looks like its made of a single hair off an ear of corn. Intelligence-insulting, sexist, stupid - but at least it runs less than ten minutes in total (I didn't keep time, but I wouldn't say it "dragged"). That's good enough for a half-point. (0.5/5)

And the train of lame keeps rolling - Roddy Piper vs. "Mr. America" (Hulk Hogan) in a match 20 years in the making. According to Cagematch.net, this is the last time these two guys ever faced each other and serves as a sad reminder that the WWE has been wheeling out stars from a decade earlier for nostalgia sake and "marquee value" for a long, long time. As one might expect, this is pathetic through and through. Piper has looked better cosmetically, but its actually Hogan's star that has noticeably fallen here. 12 months removed from arguably his last great match (against The Rock at WrestleMania XVIII), the Hulkster is now sporting a ridiculous mask and patriotic colors, repackaged as a last ditch effort to keep him relevant but so beyond over-exposed that his aura is gone entirely. Zach Gowen makes his second appearance to begin a feud with Vince McMahon and, though its Gowen/McMahon wasn't going to sell any seats, their involvement is the only thing even remotely interesting in the entire set-up. I'm guessing this was a strong nominee for worst match of the year and a cursory search through ProFightDB reveals that, yes, Meltzer gave it the ol' DUD designation. (0/5)


The World Heavyweight Championship is on the line next - Triple H defending against former best friend Kevin Nash. Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair come out too, but end up brawling to the back before the bell even rings as Nash tosses Helmsley around outside and hits him with big right hands. When Nash finally gets him in the ring, the bell sounds and we're off for one of the most unimaginative, unremarkable matches I've seen in a long time. Nash hits a huge back body drop on Triple H and a series of elbow drops and those stand as the biggest spots in the entire match. Helmsley sells everything Big Sexy hits him with like gunshots, but its not enough to make the match interesting or lend it any suspense. We get a ref bump around what feels like minute 5 and the match ends soon afterward in a screwy fashion that demands a rematch, but doesn't make it remotely appealing. You can't knock the layout of the match, but you can knock the entire notion that putting these two in the ring together, with Nash so far from even "carryable" and Triple H so obviously in cruise control mode, is a good idea in terms of giving the fans quality matches. The only point this one earns in this post-match as one just can't see Triple H getting powerbombed through a table enough. On any other show, this would be the worst match of the night. (1/5)


Back in the skybox, Eric Bischoff doesn't feel so well and ends up "puking" (just spitting out beer) on an unlucky female server and into the crowd. Ugh. I'm going to go ahead and deduct a half-point for all the skybox sketches because, when you add them all together, they really do hurt the show more than help. (-.0.5)

Back in the ring, Trish Stratus defends her WWE Women's Championship in a Fatal Fourway against Jacqueline, Jazz, and Victoria. Within the first minute, there's been more hard-hitting action in this match than in the previous two combined. Not the smoothest sequences on display here, but when the competitors are on the same page, things work (for example, Jazz and Trish have a good stretch building to a submission). The crowd doesn't seem to care at all about this until Stratus takes an absolutely nasty bump to the outside, easily the best spot in the past hour or so of this show. With the champ taken out of action by Victoria, the remaining three scramble for the gold and new champion is crowned. Too short to even be considered "good." (2/5)

Main event time - Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show in a Stretcher match. The storyline coming into this one is that Show has been bullying Rey Mysterio (he attached him to a stretcher and slammed him into a ringpost at Backlash) and Lesnar isn't going to stand for it. Lesnar and Show feuded roughly 6 months earlier, so this rivalry isn't very fresh, but the Stretcher stipulation was expected to help make things interesting. Lesnar comes in and immediately the stretcher is put to use, both guys using it to their advantage in and out of the ring. To his credit, Show is in pretty good shape here and making the match weapon-centric does allow for more creative and hard-hitting moments than a straight-up one-on-one match would. Like Triple H, Lesnar also knows that selling for Big Show is the key ingredient to making a good Big Show match and bounces around the ring accordingly, making the monster into a worthy challenger despite the fact that Show's credibility had gone up and down since the start of his WWE career five years earlier. In another wise choice, once the match spills towards the entrance way, they keep it there - which makes sense logically (why bring your opponent back to the ring when the object of the match is to carry them, on a stretcher, passed a yellow line in the entrance way) but also allows the huge metal backdrop to serve as a set piece for more carnage than your standard ring would allow. Things get a bit repetitive, but I'll take Show striking Lesnar with a huge plastic stretcher a four times over seeing these two attempt a scientific wrestling match. After taking the upperhand, Lesnar heads to the back (ostensibly to retrieve a large enough stretcher to carry Show) and Rey Mysterio arrives to exact some payback to a huge pop! Unfortunately for Mysterio, Show still has some fight in him. Before Show can hit his chokeslam, Lesnar shows up in a forklift and launches himself off of it with an unbelievable crossbody as the crowd explodes. Lesnar then lands a very impressive vertical suplex and follows it up with the F-5 before setting up a stretcher on the forklift. Unfortunately, watching Lesnar roll Show onto the forklift is a bit anti-climactic and really shows that there is no better finish in wrestling than a three-count, though, the visual of Lesnar bringing Show (lifted 15 feet high above the ground) is a cool one. Easily the match of the night thanks to a hot closing stretch, some good weapon usage, and the match being executed with more logic than the ladders bout. (3.5/5)


With a score of 1.89-out-of-5, Judgment Day 2003 nearly lays claim to the crown of being the worst wrestling show I've watched in the past 3 years. Saving it from that honor are a small number of things - my adoration for Steve Austin, Josh Matthews' dressed like he just walked off the set of Shasta McNasty, the main event's really, really good finishing stretch. It also helps that, for awhile there in the mid-90s, WCW was unapologetically booking Charlie Norris on their pay-per-view cards and the InVasion PPV happened because without those elements, this could easily be a contender for worst show ever. Still, there is just nothing on this card to worth watching and a great number of matches and segments worth actively avoiding. Easy grade:

FINAL RATING - DUDleyville