Clash of the Champions VII - Guts and Glory!
Fort Bragg, NC - June 1989
CHAMPIONSHIP RUNDOWN: Despite injury, Ric Flair is still the reigning WCW World Champion, Lex Luger holds the United States Championship, and Sting is the TV Champ. The US Tag Team Championships are held by Rick Steiner and Eddie Gilbert, though, by this point, Rick had begun tagging with his brother Scott more and more. The NWA World Tag Team Championships, though, are vacant and new champions will be crowned tonight.
COMMENTATORS: Jim Ross and Bob Caudle
Real life ex-military man Ranger Ross comes out next, his opponent, an overweight, masked man known as The Terrorist (aka Jack Victory), waiting in the ring for him. Ross is incredibly over with his fellow Air Force buds, the chant of "Ranger!" early on particularly heartwarming. Ross was not a good wrestler, but he seems like a nice enough dude. This "match" going under 2 minutes is the only thing about it worth rewarding. (0.5/5)
Speaking of Jack Victory, he's featured in the commercial that follows: a very late 80s/early 90s ad for the WCW Hotline. Paul Dangerously is also featured. I can't believe they made even a cent off of the hotline, but considering how long they (and the WWE) used them, I'm guessing somebody somewhere was calling. (+1)
Back in the ring, Jim Ross welcomes The Great Muta and his manager, Gary Hart. Hart talks down the American public and Muta's rival, "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert. The purpose of this segment was to offer a demonstration of the stipulation match that Muta wanted for his match with Gilbert (a dragon shai match? I'm not exactly sure what this is or if that's even what they were calling it), but as Hart spews vitriol, Hot Stuff shows up to toss a fire ball. Unfortunately for Gilbert, the blaze hits one of the two jobbers in the ring instead and Muta escapes unharmed. Cool stuff. (+1)
One of the worst matches I've seen in awhile is next - The Ding Dongs vs. Cougar Jay and George South. Where to start when describing this lously 4 minutes of 'rasslin'....the Ding Dongs were a pair of masked guys in bright orange bodysuits (think The Conquistadors only the color of parking cones) that rang jingle bells during their matches because, well, its never explained. The crowd absolutely despises them but don't bother cheering their jobber opponents either (because they too suck). This is their debut I believe too, which had to have pissed off WCW head Jim Herd at the time because they were infamously his idea. While the Dongs don't botch every move, they also don't execute anything very well - which shouldn't have been surprising when you consider the guys under the hoods were career jobbers, not workers who had spent years building up good-looking offense. Awful stuff that isn't even as funny as it should be in that "so bad-it's good" way. (0/5)
The World Tag Team Title tournament continues with the mega-popular Midnight Express taking on the Samoan SWAT Team. Cornette and Dangerously both get some mic time before the match begins, the crowd whipped into a tremendous frenzy. A crazed fan gets into the ring for a split second but is tossed out as Cornette sings the praises of the Midnights. Like the previous few matches, this one offers very little to get excited by, The Road Warriors making an appearance around minute 5 to lead to a screwjob finish. (1.5/5)
Steve Williams and Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy of the Freebirds square off. Its a real shame that this one ends in a double count-out because the action we do get to see between these two is all kinds of awesome. Williams is in incredible shape, Gordy is such a natural monster, and when these two collide, you can see teeth getting knocked loose and bruises forming with each strike. Less than a year later, they'd form the Miracle Violence Connection. Really violent brawling that is too much of a tease to be considered a great match on its own. (2/5)
The next segment is incredible - in that it is so bad, you just have to see it. Norman the Lunatic (managed by Teddy Long and escorted by a full team of orderlies) debuts, squashing the much fitter Mike Justice in under a minute. If Norman had even a single cool wrestling move, the squash and presumed push would make sense - but his offense consists of forearms, a clothesline, and a shoulder block in the corner. The post-match and JR's commentary put the segment over the top, though, as one of the best things I've seen in months. FIVE STAR SEGMENT. (5/5)
This is followed by yet another ultra-cool segment, a video promo hyping Flyin' Brian.
The Freebirds cut an inconsequential promo before our next bout - The Steiner Brothers (with Missy Hyatt) taking on The Varsity Club (Kevin Sullivan and Mike Rotunda). Scott Steiner is noticeably green here, definitely the "odd man out" compared to everyone else in the ring, who've all been working together for years by this point (if I'm not mistaken). The crowd absolutely hates the Varsity Club, making the match much more fun to watch than the actual "action" does. Some good suplexes here and there and, though I'm still not going to go overboard with my praise for the guy, Rotunda is particularly good here - much better than I recall him looking in his IRS run a few years later or any of his nWo-era work. (2/5)
Sting defends his TV Championship next against "Wild" Bill Irwin, the future Goon of my childhood. Sting has the crowd's support, not only from the kids who accompany him down the aisle but from the adults who chant "Sting!" loudly a few minutes in. Irwin connects with a huge spinebuster, but lazily gloats instead of furthering his offense. He eats a Stinger Splash and gets rolled up. Pretty weak stuff. (1/5)
Scott "Gator" Hall promo! This is unbelievably stupid. Basically, it's just Hall poking a gator with a stick spliced with some unimpressive moves (crossbody, bulldog headlock). So stupid its definitely worth watching. (+1)
Jim Ross stands outside the home of Ric Flair, who welcomes into his home with a neck brace on and slick Lakers shirt. They sit down for an interview and Flair describes his rehabilitation. He says he's made enough money for "two lifetimes," which is worthy of a spit take considering his money woes years later, and then furthers the kayfabe by explaining that Funk's attack at Wrestle War was more damaging than the PLANE CRASH that legitimately broke his back a decade earlier. Ross explains that the NWA has waived the "30 day" rule that would've forced Flair to defend his World Championship, but Flair announces that he will make his decision regarding either relinquishing the title or returning to wrestling on July 1st. Flair then tells Funk not to sleep well at night because, whether it will be a month from now or a year from now, he'll be knocking at his door.
And here we go with another explanation of the Triple Crown King of the Hill match that will be wrestled on The Great American Bash tour. I could watch these ads a hundred more times and still don't think I'd be able to explain who, why, or how these matches were developed or executed and for what real purpose.
Back at Fort Bragg, The Freebirds make their way down the aisle to take on the uber-popular Midnight Express in the finals of the NWA World Tag Team Championships. Dangerously shows up early and attacks Cornette before the match begins, startling Eaton and Stan Lane. This is almost a great match wrestled in fast forward for these two teams - everyone's work is crisp and dynamic and the crowd eats up everything they serve, but things come off as so rushed that things that should be huge dramatic turns (the few near-falls, Gordy's interference) don't click the way they should, the crowd more surprised by the abrupt ending than anything. Still, I'd sooner re-watch an abbreviated Freebirds/Midnights match than almost anything tag match we get on RAW most weeks. (2.5/5)
Main event time - the despised Terry Funk taking on Ricky Steamboat in a match with Funk's Number One Contendership basically on the line (despite Funk being ranked #10 at this point). Both guys are in incredible shape for this, Funk returning here after a multi-year hiatus from an NWA ring. Like his series against Flair in the preceding months, Steamboat is fire in this match - while there is less variety in his offense, its still super crisp and his selling is equally on point. The fun of a Terry Funk match is often its unpredictability and this one is no different, the Funker bumping in and out of the ring in clever almost-roundabout ways that add flavor to a match that, from a technical standpoint, doesn't offer very much. Still, the size of the personas and the clash in ring styles makes it an engaging viewing (especially for those, like me, checking this out for the first time). Very surprising finish considering how obvious the impending Funk/Flair showdown is benefitted by a straightforward but intriguing post-match angle involving the number 2 contender (and United States Champion), Lex Luger. Not a "must see" match, but a cool example of storyline progression that leaves all parties involved with clear foci for future matches. Good-not-great stuff that somehow earned 4-and-a-quarter stars from Dave Meltzer. (3.5/5)
Like the slightly-pre-Hogan shows from 1994, Clash of the Champions VII is an interesting watch that lags at times, but also features some really fun moments. The main event and Tag Team Championship tournament finale are "great pieces of business" as Jim Ross might call them, cleverly pointing to future matches that are now "must see" attractions. The Steve Williams/Terry Gordy brawl is almost tragic, though - the brawling is superb but cut off far too short. Then there's the debuts of The Ding Dongs and Norman the Lunatic, a pair of the worst gimmicks ever presented in front of a wrestling audience, paying or otherwise. At the time, them appearing on the card was probably a huge disappointment - but in 2016, I can watch this stuff and laugh (which is how the future Bastion Booger scored a 5-point rating despite having one of the worst matches I've ever seen). There's also some nifty promos and video packages to keep things moving, though, overall, the 2-hour show certainly feels at least twice that length during certain patches. With an overall Kwang score of 2.3-out-of-5, this show lands squarely in the range of...
FINAL RATING - High Risk Maneuver
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