Royal Rumble 96' starts off with a surprisingly decent match between Jeff Jarrett and Ahmed Johnson. I've seen a fair amount of Ahmed Johnson matches before, but I really do not recall him ever going to the air as much as he does in this match - first with a great crossbody plancha onto Jarrett on the outside and then, moments later, a ridiculous attempt at a 450. This leads to a figure four from Jarrett, but Ahmed counters it and sends Double J to the floor - where he swiftly retrieves his acoustic guitar and gets himself DQ'd for bashing it over Johnson's head. This extended the Jarrett/Johnson feud effectively, but I do think the WWE was in desperate need of the kick-in-the-ass that WCW would give it in the months to come as this was basically just a repeat of what happened at the previous In Your House pay-per-view. Putting feuds on auto-pilot is not a new problem for Vince and this finish shows it. These two had chemistry and Johnson was over enough to get people invested in this feud, but because they hadn't spiced things up at all, it would die off well before WrestleMania. (2/5)
The Bodydonnas (with Sunny) take on The Smoking Gunns next with the Gunns defending their WWE Tag Team Championships. The WWE tag team division might have been at its absolute lowest point here - The Smoking Gunns were not interesting or over, The Bodydonnas gimmick was lame and relied entirely on Sunny for its relevancy, and everyone else in the division (I think the Headbangers were already floating around as were The Godwinns) were even less over. Oddly enough, looking at a roster site, it seems like The Bushwhackers were still on the roster (working as ambassadors, I believe) but they might as well have given them the titles. Any way, this one goes a little over 10 minutes and while it doesn't drag at any point, its instantly forgettable filler that barely furthers the Billy Gunn/Sunny flirtation storyline this was built around. I think the eventual payoff was that Sunny would join the Gunns and this all led to the debut of "Cloudy," but I think my brain has purposefully tried to forget all this stuff because it was so cartoonish and awful. (1.5/5)
The Intercontinental Championship is on the line next - Goldust challenging Razor Ramon. Unlike the previous bout, this match had a fantastic build-up because, unlike the Smoking Gunns or the Bodydonnas, Goldust was an outstanding, original, and interesting character and Razor Ramon was the perfect foil for him. When Goldust comes out, he is joined by the debuting Marlena (his real-life wife Terri Runnels, though she had not yet been "revealed" as any of these things and wouldn't be for at least a year or two). Goldust's performance is at a 10, though he would take it to an 11 by the end of the year and through 97'. Vince's shock and disgust dominates the commentary, while Perfect plays the heel and talks about how clever Goldust's mind games are. Sprinkled throughout this match are some quality exchanges - this is definitely a step up from the previous bout - but Razor Ramon/Scott Hall remains one of those guys that has been sometimes overrated as a in-ring worker and this match is another example of having better highlights than being actually engaging from beginning to end. A few edits here and there, including a more rushed, urgent delivery of the finish (which is bogged down by Tim White moving like molasses to make the count after The Kid's run-in) and this would be a stronger, more memorable match. (2/5)
Its Rumble time! Hunter Hearst Helmsley (not yet Triple H) starts things off against his longtime rival Henry O. Godwinn. Helmsley would have a tremendous showing in this match, lasting well over 40 minutes when it was all said and done - but not getting any signature eliminations, which kind of defeats the purpose. Bob Backlund and Jerry Lawler are in next, which makes the Billionaire Ted skit that aired a few minutes before this even more cringey. I mean, say what one may about building your company around 80s stars in 1996, but Backlund and Lawler's prime years were the friggin' 70s, Jake Roberts is featured rather heavily in the match, and Dory Funk Jr. (who competes in the Rumble for some godforsaken reason) was 55 but looked at least a decade older than that and was way, way, way less known to casual viewers than Savage and Hogan. Speaking of unknowns, this Rumble also features The Headhunters, Doug Gilbert, and Takoa Omori - all complete unknowns in the WWE that, if I'm not mistaken, never appeared again, only appeared again once, or only on house shows. The most notable debut in this match, though, was "The Ringmaster" - aka Steve Austin - who comes in and immediately makes an impact, eliminating Bob Holly, but, more importantly, showing a mean streak and an urgency that can't be ignored (and isn't by Curt Hennig on commentary). The last quarter of this match is built entirely around Shawn Michaels, though - Shawn Michaels getting nearly eliminated, Vince McMahon worrying about whether Shawn Michaels has been eliminated, Davey Boy Smith and Owen Hart attacking Shawn Michaels...Its tedious and overwrought and the finish is predictable, though its undeniable that Michaels is the most over babyface in the match. I guess it could've been even more melodramatic had they had him start the match at the Number One spot? The only other guy that has a decent showing - aside from Vader (who gets a spotlight in the middle of the match as an absolute monster but doesn't get to hang till the end) - is Diesel, who comes in at #22 and gets a respectable 5 eliminations (as well as getting to be the 2nd man last standing). The finish itself is not everyone's cup of tea as it is executed incredibly quickly, the equivalent of a flash pin really, but I like the immediacy of it, the way they don't waste their time with a Diesel/Michaels showdown or having Shawn have to overcome the odds against a bunch of oversized heels. Better keep it short and sweet than pile on even more melodrama, if you ask me. If the roster had had greater depth, this would've been your average Rumble - but because the entrants list is so sub-average, its sub-average as a whole. (2/5)
Main event time - Bret Hart defending the WWE (then WWF) Championship against The Undertaker. I liked the pre-match angle - Diesel and Undertaker coming to blows as Undertaker made his trademark entrance - quite a bit as it almost foreshadowed the change in the Undertaker's character that would come many years later. A wrestler actually treating the Undertaker like a human - not a mythical monster whose arrival can't be interrupted, whose mere presence causes worry and fear - was almost unheard of at the time. Sure, the Giant Gonzalez and Jake Roberts and others would sneak attack Undertaker, but that's not what Diesel does here. What Diesel does is walk right up and talk to him like a man, like just another guy in the locker room. That subtle distinction is why Kevin Nash exuded cool in 96'-97'; Kevin Nash didn't just not show fear, he showed no reverence for the Old Guard or anyone's "mystique" (aside from, of course, "Hollywood" Hogan, though even that alliance was clearly built around a kayfabe mutually-beneficial villainous partnership, not necessarily Hall and Nash serving as Hogan's underlings). Onto the match itself...If the Nash/Taker pre-match angle sets the tone that this is going to be a different kind of Undertaker match, Bret's work pushes it even further into that new territory as the Undertaker is pulled out of the ditch of one-dimensional, cartoonish Zombie vs. Monster matches and actually forced to work an honest-to-god professional wrestling title fight. As others have noted, a year or so after this, the Deadman would be even further along in his transition to being a reliable main event performer, able to hold his own in more substantial matches against the likes of Shawn Michaels and Austin and Goldust and eventually Triple H (and obviously Mankind and Bret) in 97' and 98'. This match isn't as good as SummerSlam 97' or Ground Zero or the Casket Match against Michaels at the 98' Rumble or his eventual top shelf stuff against Kurt Angle, Edge, Batista, and others in the 00s, but it may be the first match he had that showed that having matches that were emotional rollercoasters, built around actual athleticism and *gasp* vulnerability (and not sit-ups and smoke and mirrors) could be in the cards for him. As other reviewers have noted, Bret may have had a really shitty kayfabe 96', but he had not lost a step at all and shows some brilliant shades of grey in his approach to this match. Shawn Michaels really should've been more thankful for how Bret subtly added some heel traits to his persona as, by this point, he was no longer the plucky underdog who automatically assumed crowd support (ceding that territory to Shawn); he was the crafty fighting champion who wasn't afraid to maybe let the circumstances dictate what needed to be done to retain his title. He wasn't just fighting from underneath anymore. He wasn't just trying to outwrestle his opponents. By this point, the Bret persona was a guy with a bit of a chip on his shoulder. Bret goes after the Undertaker's legs and brings the match to the mat and while the results do not always make for the most riveting contest, we're talking about the Hitman here - he still finds a number of ways to infuse life into the match, especially as we go into the closing stretch and Taker gets unmasked (which draws a huge reaction). Bret is never able to lock in the Sharpshooter, which I think protects him a bit, though I also think its noticeable that after the Deadman hits his Tombstone, there is a notable 2-3 second gap before he goes for the cover that shouldn't be there. Before the ref can count three, Diesel shows up and gets the match thrown out, costing the Undertaker the title. Diesel flips him the bird and we've got a clear-cut path to their showdown at WrestleMania (though Bret would defend the title against Nash at the next month's In Your House show). I've read some reviewers' takes who consider this boring, I've read some reviews that consider this Undertaker's first good match, but I fall somewhere in the middle. I really like the Diesel involvement that bookends things, but I also dig Bret's performance and the Undertaker showing vulnerability. I wouldn't consider this a "must watch" as both guys have so many considerably better matches on their resume, but this is still easily an above average outing that clearly the best match of the show. (3/5)
Royal Rumble 96' isn't a dud, but with a Kwang Score of just 2.1-out-of-5, this is not a show worth a re-watch unless you're, like me, trying to attain some sort of WWE Completist Merit Badge. The Rumble itself is one of the weakest I've seen and the second half is built entirely around Michaels, taking away any real shock at his victory. Jarrett/Johnson is better than it should be but still sub-average thanks to the non-finish, the Tag Title Match is boring, and while Goldust and Razor have a few inspired moments, their match runs long and never enters the proverbial "second gear."
KWANG RATING - High Risk Maneuver
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