No Mercy 2005 kicks off with a 6-person intergender tag match pitting MNM (with Melina) against the team of Christy Hemme, Road Warrior Animal, and Heidenreich, who was a pseudo-Warrior at the time. Heidenreich wouldn't last much longer with the company, getting the axe just a few months later. Him and Animal were actually the WWE Tag Team Champions at the time, which just shows how deep (or, rather, shallow) the talent pool was in the division at the time. An inoffensive match built mostly around the nostalgia pop of seeing Christy Hemme hit the Doomsday Device on Melina. Respect for them actually performing the move considering that it's a fairly dangerous one for relatively untrained wrestlers to attempt performing. I was still surprised by the outcome as MNM were clearly the team with the brighter future and Melina had more star power than Hemme (who hits one of the all time worst hurricanranas I think I've ever seen), but the crowd absolutely loves the end anyway. (2/5)
Simon Dean made his way down the aisle next with a plate of cheeseburgers in his hands. He berates the Houston crowd for being fat, lazy slobs and says that if he loses tonight, he'll personally eat 20 double cheeseburgers. Of course, his opponent, Bobby Lashley, destroys him in under 2 minutes. As much as some wrestling nerds would love to claim that the Simon Dean character was degrading or embarrassing for the ECW alum, the superhero character he did under the name of Nova and the one-note bWo "Hollywood" Nova gimmicks showcased even less of his character and ability. At least as "Simon Dean," Mike Bucci got mic time and steady TV work and while it was never going to bring him to the top of the company, I kinda like the way the gimmick was a throwback to some of the sillier gimmicks of the mid-90s, complete with him riding a segway and shilling The Simon System. Anyway, this is inoffensive and ultimately leads to awkward backstage segments where Lashley, who was very, very green at this point, forcing Dean to eat the cheeseburgers against his will. Fine for what it is, but not necessarily PPV worthy. (2/5)
The Houston crowd has been given two big babyface wins so you just know that they won't get to see their hometown boy Booker T get the W in the next match - a four corners bout for Chris Benoit's United States Championship also featuring the woefully underutilized Christian (he'd leave the company at the end of the month) and the just plain woeful Orlando Jordan. Matches with Benoit are always a bit rough to watch, mostly because of how his life ended but also because, over time, Benoit's hard-hitting, suplex-and-submission heavy style has become less impressive as countless wrestlers have imitated and arguably bettered what he did. They tried to tell the story of Booker T being the fan favorite and getting "cut out" of the finishing stretch, but I wish they would have laid it on even thicker and made it so he had the match fully won himself rather than just "clearing the way" for Benoit to apply the Sharpshooter. There was good action throughout this bout, but the through-line of the match wasn't apparent for me to feel like it was anything more than "good match for good match's sake" filler. (2.5/5)
Mr. Kennedy makes his PPV debut next, taking on Hardcore Holly. I'm willing to wager that Holly did not step into this match enthusiastically as, based on his book, if I'm not mistaken, this was around the time when he was fairly fed up with being tagged a "midcarder for life" while guys like JBL and Mark Henry got big pushes. As for Kennedy, he walked like Austin, talked like The Rock, and had a catchphrase like the Road Dogg, but in the ring, he was only better than the third one (which isn't saying much as Road Dogg was never a great worker). Kennedy and Holly actually go close to 10 minutes and Holly gets to show his toughness throughout, getting in more than enough offense. Kennedy's offense, meanwhile, is unremarkable and he had not yet developed the Mic Check, a reverse Rock Bottom (natch) as his finisher (instead using a rolling senton). This was another inoffensive, but not quite PPV-quality match. After the match, Holly refused medical attention, which felt tacked-on and unnecessary, but led to the arrival of Sylvan Grenier, who beat down Holly again. Yeah, I'm guessing ol' Sparky Plugg was not happy about having to job to one rookie and then get beaten down by another greenhorn. (2.5/5)
After some more backstage segments, JBL (with Jillian Hall and her disgusting facial growth) took on Rey Mysterio. This might be a JBL career match and I'm going to go ahead and put much of that credit on Rey Mysterio being an excellent opponent for him, bringing the fun and the movement and speed that JBL couldn't. This is a clash-of-styles match with JBL working to slow things down and crush Mysterio and Rey constantly bringing the tempo up, striking with high-flying moves. There was some cool spots too - a bulldog by Mysterio, a fallaway slam on the floor, and a really good believable ending with JBL hitting the Clothesline from Hell to get the win. This also went the right amount of time, clocking in at a few minutes over 10, which was enough to make it feel like a real battle between two veterans without ever getting dull. (3.5/5)
For the first time ever, The Undertaker competed in a handicap Casket Match, taking on both Randy and "Cowboy" Bob Orton. This was a continuation of a long-running feud between Taker and Orton that stretched all the way back to WrestleMania and really put Orton on the map as a top heel. This match starts out a bit slow with the Ortons using their numbers advantage to cut off the Deadman every time he may be in control. The Ortons eventually hit a double-superplex, a move made famous by senior. Things pick up once "Cowboy" Bob brings out the fire extinguisher and the match becomes much more chaotic. Some good bomb-throwing too as Orton hit some of his signature offense, Taker hit the Last Ride, and Bob spent multiple minutes in the casket. I like how the last few minutes were fairly unpredictable too as I went into the match thinking there was no way that Taker was going to lose, but the Ortons ended up getting what was essentially a 100% clean win (with help from a chair and the extinguisher) in what was a war of a match. I wouldn't consider this an all-time great match or anything, but it exceeded my expectations. (3/5)
After the match, Orton set the casket on fire, which was a cool image.
The Cruiserweight Championship is on the line next with Nunzio defending against Juventud Guerrera. In ECW or even WCW this might've been a good opener, but this is designed to be filler/a bathroom break and is treated as such by the live crowd. Tazz tries his best to hype up this match and the importance of the Cruiserweight Championship, but there was just nothing these two guys could do to get the crowd back after seeing the Undertaker get (kayface) burned alive. Its also worth noting that Juventud, who had been a pretty spectacular performance 7-8 years earlier in WCW, wasn't as exciting a performer in 2005 - not just because he was taking less risks, but because, by this point, the cruiserweight style had become less unique. Juvi wins the title and the Mexicools celebrate. Not bad, but just kinda there, with the audience indifference dragging it down another half-point. (1.5/5)
Main event time - Eddie Guerrero challenging Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship. The story coming into this match is that Eddie has had a change of heart and is no longer the sneaky, cheating heel that he was in the Rey feud but, of course, nobody trusts him, including Batista, who had a history of getting stabbed in the back dating...err, back...to his Evolution days. Batista was the babyface, but a large portion of the Houston crowd is clearly in Eddie's corner because he was so entertaining. This match was more about the character dynamic than the actual wrestling, but you have to give credit where its due as Guerrero knew that having a technical-based or lucha-type match with The Animal was not going to work and that the crowd was much more interested in the suspense around whether Eddie would try to cheat anyway. Early on, Eddie nearly goes for a chair, but sets it down, which got a big reaction. Eddie still managed to gain control with a brilliant frog splash onto Batista's back for 2. That move set the stage for Eddie to attack Big Dave's lower back and keep the pressure on with a half crab. Moments later, again, Eddie looked like he may take a shortcut by using the tag rope to choke out Batista but opted not too. Then it was an errant ref bump that Eddie didn't take advantage of. Some good nearfalls followed as Batista continued to sell the back and couldn't manage to land the Batista Bomb. Batista did connect with a devastating spinebuster, which was something of a secondary finisher for him, for 2. Eddie was able to counter an elbow drop and hit the Three Amigos, which was very impressive. Eddie went back to the top, but Batista dodged whatever he was going for and hit a spinebuster to get the win. This match could've been something special if it had maybe gone an extra minute or two with Eddie doing another tease that he may cheat and Batista actually hitting his Batista Bomb. Heck, from a storyline perspective, it may have been cool to see Batista get DQ'd here as a way to build towards the next match. Unfortunately, this would be Eddie's last pay-per-view match and it just ended with a thud. Better than average thanks to the work of Guerrero and some good selling by Batista, but nothing I'd go out of my way to see and definitely not a match that would make either guy's Top 10. (3/5)
With a Kwang Score of 2.43-out-of-5, No Mercy 2005 is not a show I'd recommend to anyone, full stop. There's not a single match on this show that is worth checking out, though I guess an argument could be made that the Rey/JBL match is one of JBL's better ones. If you're looking for a great Eddie match, you won't find it here. If you're a Randy Orton stan, the guy's probably worked a couple hundred matches that are better than this one and at least 1-2 better ones against the Undertaker. These kinds of shows are a great example of why the brand split idea was always a risky idea. I mean, I like Simon Dean as much as the next guy (which is probably not that much), but he's not a "PPV worthy" talent. The opening match would be filler on an episode of SmackDown so what's it doing here? Whatever the opposite of a "stacked card" is, this show is that. There are enough "moments" to keep this from DUDleyville territory, but not by much.
FINAL RATING - High Risk Maneuver
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