After a surprisingly well-received welcome from Stephanie McMahon and Triple H (who were the company's top heels at the time), the show kicks off with a classic 5-on-5 Survivors match pitting The Rhodes Brothers, Rey Mysterio, and The Usos vs. The Shield and The Real Americans. This match featured a nice mix of talent, though The Shield were still relative newcomers and not quite the top-tier workers they would become, especially Reigns. The same is true of Cody and the Usos, but watching this 10 years later, it is remarkable just how much star power was featured here and that the only guy who doesn't work regularly these days is somehow...Jack Swagger? Anyway, Ambrose (Moxley) gets eliminated early which seems like a waste and I'm sure didn't make him too happy backstage. Cody gets lots of time to shine (including getting to cut a short promo on Zeb Colter before the match begins) but the crowd is way more into his brother. Rollins, Reigns, and Cesaro actually get face reactions at times - probably because their offense looks nifty, especially the Cesaro Swing. Eventually, the heels are down 5-on-2, but the booking of this match was clearly done to showcase Reigns - he eliminated 4-out-of-5 members of the opposing team - and he eventually outlasts everyone else, eliminating Rey Mysterio with a beautiful spear to get the final pin. I'm not a huge Survivors-style match fan, but this was good for what it was. Not "must see" or anything, but a solid 20 minutes of action. (3/5)
Next up - Big E defending the Intercontinental Championship against Curtis Axel. I was expecting a bit of a burial here as Big E was in the midst of a decent push and Curtis Axel was sinking down the roster fast now that Paul Heyman was no longer appearing at his side regularly. This match goes 7 minutes, but feels like 12 because the lack of crowd engagement and Big E not busting out some of his riskier, more wild offense like the spear to the floor. This wasn't terrible, but it felt heatless. Curtis Axel was a smooth enough worker, but there was no "It" factor to his persona so it might as well have been anyone in there. This didn't even feel Raw or SmackDown worthy - more like midcard of Superstars. (2/5)
Backstage, AJ Lee runs down her tag partners - which you know will now lead to them either turning on her or turning on eachother in the next contest: a 8-man Elimination match pitting the Total Divas (Brie and Nikki Bella, JoJo, Eva Marie, Natalya, Naomi, and Cameron) against the WWE's non-diva performers (AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka, Rosa Mendes, Alicia Fox, Kaitlyn, Summer Rae, and Aksana). This is one of the worst matches ever - not because all the women are incompetent, but because they only get about 10 minutes of time, most of the women are eliminated after a single move has been done to them. It actually comes across as insulting to most of the women, though, when the numbers do whittle down, we do get at least 2-3 minutes of "action." This match was designed to present the women of Total Divas but it was done in such an unimpressive light that I couldn't believe any fan of that reality show would've been "wowed" by this match - if they'd even coughed up the $50 this PPV cost at the time. A half-point awarded because Nattie, AJ, and Brie noticeably gave a shit and there were a few fun moments (Summer Rae prancing around, Alicia Fox being Alicia Fox), but this was disrespectful to the women and the audience and Jerry Lawler made one too many pervy comments about Naomi's "Rear View" move. (0.5/5)
Before the veterans at the panel table could speak, Ryback showed up and issued an open challenge, which was answered by the returning Mark Henry. As someone - Lawler, I believe - noted, Henry had actually defeated Ryback at WrestleMania earlier in the year. I'm not a super Ryback supporter, but I remember thinking that this was a bad booking decision back then and still believe it was a bad booking decision now. And, on this night, they repeat the mistake. Ryback's Bully gimmick wasn't great, but it only would've worked if he had actually been able to score some big victories - and after losing the feud with CM Punk and basically getting dropped by Paul Heyman, taking an L to Mark Henry, a guy who wasn't exactly headed back to the top in 2013, did not do Ryback any favors. Maybe that was the point, though? To "punish" Ryback for his ego? Even if that were true, its a "cutting off your nose to spite your face" situation when you bury a guy that you seemingly have future plans for months and months and then blame him for not getting or staying over. Anyway, the match itself isn't terrible, but its not very interesting and feels like a looooong 4-and-a-half minutes, if that's possible. (1/5)
The World Heavyweight Championship is on the line in the next match as John Cena defends the gold in his hometown against Alberto Del Rio. These two had a decent match at the previous month's Hell in a Cell pay-per-view and, for better or worse, basically repeat it here with Del Rio taking a more commanding role and Cena spending more of the match selling an injured arm. They were given plenty of time - close to 20 minutes - but, at this point, neither guy was at the peak of their popularity as Cena had not yet gone into "super workrate" mode like he would with his US Championship Open Challenge and hadn't spruced up his gimmick at all by this point. Del Rio, meanwhile, was still seen (rather accurately) as a guy who was getting more of a "corporate" push rather than someone who was legitimately over as a heel (or a face, for that matter). The fact is, as we'd see in the main event, the WWE crowds at this point were mostly behind Daniel Bryan and anyone else fighting for World Championships was dealing with a little bit of a pushback, even if their storyline had nothing to do with Daniel Bryan. Nothing worth seeking out, but both guys worked hard and at least Cena's hometown crowd was more supportive of him than any other cities around this time (though there is still a prominent pair of "Cena Sucks" signs being displayed on the hard camera throughout the show). (3/5)
After a pretty fun WWE action figure sketch featuring R-Truth, Fandango, and John Laurenaitis, its time for the next bout - Daniel Bryan and CM Punk teaming up against Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. Unlike the previous match, which felt long, this one went nearly 20 minutes but was really great throughout because of the chemistry between the combatants, the straightforward story, and the immense popularity of both Punk and Bryan. Plus, they kept all the wacky Bray Wyatt stuff to a minimum as the leader of the Family spent most of the match just sitting in a rocking chair on the outside, giving the full spotlight to his henchmen. Punk and Bryan did a ton of selling in this match, but they never "died" and they got huge responses for every comeback (no surprise there). This match was missing something - maybe higher stakes? maybe some sort of big table spot or crowd-brawling? - that kinda keeps it just in "good" territory and not great. (3/5)
Main event time - Randy Orton vs. The Big Show. I'm not going to go through the whole storyline here but, in a nutshell, Big Show had been kayfabe fired and then threatened to sue the company, which led to him getting reinstated and demanding a title shot in order to drop the lawsuit. Meanwhile, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon had been showing some lost confidence in their Corporate Champion, Randy Orton, including a brief pre-match segment with John Cena (that made him sorta look like a heel). The match itself is what one would expect - Orton sells big time for Big Show and Big Show gets a decent face response, but there are a smattering of clear "Daniel Bryan" chants whenever the match slows down. I don't think anyone expected Big Show to win this match and, despite Triple H promising that there would be no interference in any match tonight, he and Stephanie show up after Big Show lands the Knockout Punch, distracting the giant and allowing Orton to hit an RKO and then a punt to win the match. After the match, Cena comes down, holding his own World Championship to set up their Title vs. Title match at the next pay-per-view (if I'm not mistaken). The match was fine was for what it was, but nobody was expecting it to be great and it wasn't. Again, Cena showing up after Triple H and Stephanie essentially screwed Big Show made him look a bit like a heel, even in Boston. (2/5)
With a Kwang Score of 1.79-out-of-5, Survivor Series 2013 is nearly impossible to recommend. The best match is the opener and nothing else really stood out and there's not a single match on the card I'd consider "must see" - even if one was the world's biggest Cena or Orton or Daniel Bryan or CM Punk or Big Show fan. Looking back, I'm guessing that Vince believed bringing back Batista - who would return at the Rumble in January 2014 - would add some juice to the company and win back the crowds, but even that boost of star power would not be enough to overcome the clear and undeniable passion that the audiences had for Daniel Bryan. I don't buy the company line that Bryan was "always" pencilled-in to win the title at WrestleMania XXX as that would mean the company was willfully sacrificing a number of pay-per-views, essentially putting on shows that they knew the audiences would be indifferent or outright negative towards, just to get over Bryan's underdog story.
FINAL RATING - DUDleyville
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