The story of WrestleMania VII has been told countless times elsewhere, so I'll just summarize: with Operation Desert Storm and the Gulf War on the minds of all Americans in the winter of 91', Vince McMahon had pivoted the WWE away from its usual storylines and put an immense focus on patriotism, taking the title off of the Ultimate Warrior (after a disappointing run as WWF Champion) and putting it onto the nefarious Iraqi sympathizer Sgt. Slaughter with the hopes of selling out the LA Coliseum for their biggest show of the year. Unfortunately for the WWE and Vince McMahon, there were two major factors working against the company by this point. For starters, by late February, the war was over and the political implications and events in the immediate aftermath were too messy to inspire any sort of pro-wrestling angle. Second, the characters involved in this saga - Sgt. Slaughter, Hulk Hogan, but also General Adnan and the Iron Sheik - were all fatigued (and I'm not talking about their military-inspired wardrobes). Hogan was still the WWE's top act, but his star power and the WWE's presence in mainstream pop culture was waning and would only continue to drop in the coming years. Of course, the company line wasn't that ticket sales maxed out around 16,000-out-of-100,000 available in February 91' and they had been too ambitious but rather that "security issues" had made holding the event there too dangerous, implying that WrestleMania could be the target of a terrorist attack and that it was too risky to put that many fans in one place (despite the Super Bowl and countless other major sports events all happening without issue for months when the actual war was still happening).
After Willie Nelson sings "America the Beautiful," a Mania tradition, it was time for the opening contest - The Rockers vs. Haku and the Barbarian. Haku and Barbarian would go on to team as the Faces of Fear in WCW and worked much better as a tandem there (I'm guessing this wasn't their first outing as a tag team, but they didn't work like a cohesive unit yet at this point.) The Rockers and the Orient Express had put on a clinic at the Royal Rumble a few months prior, but this match isn't nearly as riveting. The Rockers held up their end, though, delivering dazzling double-team maneuvers to keep the crowd engaged. A fine enough opener. (2.5/5)
Backstage, "Mean" Gene Okerlund is with Marla Maples, Regis Philbin, and Alex Trebek. I'm not sure if Maples was married to Donald Trump at this point or not, but he doesn't get a name-check. Trebek and Okerlund do a funny "Who's on First?" type bit that made me smile.
In the ring, "The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich took on Dino Bravo. This wasn't very good. I'm curious what Vince's long-term plans were for Von Erich as he had an incredible physique and, in his prime, could certainly work well enough to get over in the WWE, but by this point, Von Erich could almost be considered an even darker version of Jeff Hardy, a drug addict who also carried a ton of darkness inside caused by unbelievable trauma that relied on pro-wrestling because it was all he ever really knew. Anyway...this match goes less than 4 minutes but could've gone even shorter because the few minutes we do get are awkward and don't actually make Von Erich look all that strong. By this point, the Tornado had already been the Intercontinental Champion and with Warrior and Hogan still at the top of the food chain, its unclear in what direction he was heading so this win didn't lead to any major storyline push as far as I recall. (0.5/5)
The British Bulldog vs. The Warlord follows and I was absolutely shocked at how much actual wrestling these two do. In a battle of powerhouses (artificial or not), you just don't expect to see as many crucifixes and roll-ups and counters and whatnot. Davey Boy is the one delivering most of these moves, but Warlord isn't just some lazy oaf in the ring either. This is a "long" 8 minutes that feels like a real war has been waged. This exceeded my expectations but also tested my patience as the nearfalls happened and I was just ready to move on. (2/5)
In the back, The Nasty Boys cut a promo to hype up their WWF Tag Team Championship match against The Hart Foundation. I used to hate watching this match as a kid because the Nasties were tremendous heels and I hated seeing Bret Hart lose. Macauley Culkin is in the front row and is shown on-screen. Watching this at least a couple decades since the last time I saw it, I was really impressed with the story they tell. The story isn't a complex one, but it is the "right" one as the Harts show, repeatedly, that in a fair fight, they are the more technically-skilled team. However, the Nasty Boys are ruthless and tough and mean. I didn't care for the repeated rear chinlocks they employ and wish the Nasties would've shown more variety in the ways they were wearing down their opponents, but the crowd is into the extended heat segment and when Bret finally does make the tag out of the "face-in-peril" role, Neidhart gets a huge pop. The final minutes are the right kind of flurry of action that makes it plausible that Earl Hebner would miss blatant cheating in his effort to maintain order. A good-not-great match. (3/5)
One of the more notorious/infamous matches in WWE history follows - Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Rick Martel in a Blindfold Match. The build-up for this match was terrific and if there is anyone that could pull off such a high-concept match without making it seem really ridiculous, it might be the master ring psychologist, Jake Roberts. Oh, and Rick Martel is also a fantastic worker. Unfortunately, as good as both guys were, this match was horrendous. One of Martel's best strengths was his facial expressions, which we never get to see. One of Jake's best strengths was his methodical in-ring style and ability to do a lot with a little - his jabs, his short-arm clothesline, his DDT teases. But because Roberts and Martel have to spend so much of the match just "wandering" and literally grasping at air to get over the fact that they can't see eachother, Jake's minimalist-but-effective offense is even more reduced. Roberts and Martel were dealt a tough hand and while the match may have been better with a minute or two clipped off, that would've also made the gimmick even less believable as the stipulation required them to "milk" things a bit. (1.5/5)
The Undertaker made his WrestleMania debut in the next match, squashing Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka in under 5 minutes. There are much better squashes to find out there as Taker was still very one-dimensional in the ring at this point and Snuka doesn't really go out of his way to make the Deadman look as powerful as he could've/should've. Interestingly, Gorilla Monsoon refers to Snuka as "The Phenom" early in the match, which ultimately became Taker's nickname. Another match not worth checking out aside from its historical importance at being the first of Taker's lengthy streak of WrestleMania victories. (1/5)
The Ultimate Warrior vs. Randy Savage in a Retirement Match is next on the card. This is a difficult match to rate because, from a technical standpoint, its an Ultimate Warrior match and that means you're not going to see much in the way of submission holds or deft counters or a bevy of snappy suplexes or acrobatic high-flying or any of the usual things that wrestling fans have historically deemed to merit high scores. No, this match is all about the character work and the storytelling and the genius of Randy "The Macho Man" Savage. It is the type of match that, somehow, even after a 5th or 10th or 20th viewing, will still find a way to show you something new to think about and enjoy. The highlights of the match - the way Warrior walks to the ring instead of doing his usual full-speed gallop, Savage bumping for seemingly every single strike (which would come off as comical in any other match but, for some reason, absolutely works here), the Warrior's "It Means Much More Than This" trunks, Savage dropping five elbow drops but not being able to seal the deal - would be enough to consider this among the top 3 matches of Warrior's entire career (and maybe even #1), but what I missed until my most recent watch were how good some of the transitions were, how effective Savage's heel work is early on, and, to be honest, how early the five elbow drop sequence comes into the match (I misremembered it being later and that it leads directly to Warrior's comeback, which it doesn't). I loved how Warrior may have had the match won earlier, but Savage rolls out to the floor to prevent himself from getting pinned only for Warrior to learn from his mistake rather quickly, literally pulling Savage back into the squared circle after a similar (identical?) sequence so that he can finally end the match. If its true that Savage worked out every sequence of a match to the smallest detail, his brilliance is on full display here as, even in a losing effort, its the Macho Man who is clearly delivering the performance of a lifetime. And because it can't be parsed out as a separate element of the production, I'm going to go ahead and include the post-match angle - which saw Sherri turn on Savage and then get tossed out of the ring by the returning Miss Elizabeth - as part of the match. The Savage/Liz reunion is super cheesy and sappy, but listen to the crowd and look at the faces streaming with tears, and it is impossible to overrate just how powerful this whole segment is. A beloved masterpiece that stands the test of the time. (5/5)
Demolition vs. Tenryu and Koji Kitoa follows. This is the post-Ax version of Demolition and I'm fairly sure that by the end of the year Smash had transformed into the Repo Man and Crush was a singles babyface. Tenryu and Kitoa seem like complete unknowns to the audience as they get a mild reception. I know that when I was 7, I had no idea who these guys were and, 32 years later, I still don't know much about them aside from Tenryu being a big deal in Japan. A read-through of Kitoa's wikipedia page reveals that he actually had a wild background in sumo that saw him expelled from the professional ranks in the 80s and then went on to be the other half of a notorious work-turned-shoot match against Earthquake just a week or so after this event. Crazy. Anyway, this is a short popcorn match where Demolition basically rough up Kitoa for awhile until Tenryu comes in with the hot tag. I wonder if Kitoa's reputation for being an asshole had already permeated the roster and Demolition ddn't want to make him look good. Tenryu wins with a powerbomb, which was a move you rarely ever saw in the WWE - in fact, could it be possible that this was the first one in WWE history even? This gets an extra half-point for not overstaying its welcome. (1/5)
Before the next match, Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan cut an outstanding little promo dripping with references to the Rodney King beating. As a kid, I had no idea what they were referring to, but watching this years later, I'm shocked that it made it to air. A Network nugget of awesomeness. (+1)
In the ring we go for Intercontinental Champion Mr. Perfect taking on The Big Bossman. This was the culmination of a months-long feud between Bossman and the Heenan Family so the crowd is amped for it. Mr. Perfect's bumping in this match is ridiculous and would probably be considered "over the top" today but works, well, perfectly, in context. Hennig makes Perfect look unbeatable without cheating. The psychology is sound too as Bossman dominates until Perfect gets a hold of the lawman's belt, wraps it around his fist, and gets some strikes in. Hennig slows things down with an abdominal stretch but they don't spend too much time in it. The match shifts gears and gets a little wonky once Andre the Giant staggers to the ring. Andre was in his 40s at this point but looks at least 60 and is not moving well at all. Its kinda sad to see, though the crowd reacts big to his presence. Once Andre shows up, the camera work detracts from the match as it cuts multiple times from Andre back to the in-ring action and we miss seeing Bossman hit the exposed turnbuckle that knocks him "unconscious" and leaves him lying in the ring for what feels like a couple minutes. Perfect inexplicably fails to cover and ends up running into Andre's fist or the Intercontinental Championship belt - again, the camera doesn't really capture it - which causes him to also end up knocked out. The rest of the Heenan Family - Haku and Barbarian - show up and attack Bossman, while Andre basically gets "fed" on the outside to send the heels running. Its a shame that Andre probably couldn't even climb the steps to get in the ring because that would've been a great moment. For what it is, its not terrible, though. Perfect works hard enough, Bossman is a good enough babyface, and the crowd is hot enough to push this one into at least average territory. (2.5/5)
Earthquake squashes Greg "The Hammer" Valentine in the next match. It seems like an Earthquake/Tugboat match would've made sense for this show as they had been semi-feuding since 1990 and never had a big blow-off PPV match...but maybe Vince recognized it would be an eyesore? Instead, Earthquake defeats Valentine in under 5 minutes, but its unclear what the purpose of this match was. Having been unable to beat the Hulkster in 1990, Earthquake was being rightfully being shuffled down the card and would eventually land in the tag division, but this didn't hint at that progression or advance anything with Valentine either. This wasn't PPV worthy. (0.5/5)
Another squash follows as The Legion of Doom defeat Power & Glory (Paul Roma and Hercules) in under 2 minutes. This had the potential of being good as Paul Roma was a better worker than most fans remember him being and Hercules could match power with either of the Road Warriors. It makes sense that the LOD would get the clean win in relatively short fashion - they were in the midst of a push that would see them emerge as the top babyfaces in the tag division - but Roma and Hercules deserved better. According to Roma, the idea for the squash was his idea as he had some nagging injuries that would've prevented him from being able to work a longer bout, and while that might be true, isn't the point of working in a tag match that Hercules could've been the one to work most of the bout? I mean, its not like they were expected to go even 10 minutes on this show, so going 6-7 doesn't seem impossible. Anyway, another meaningless match aside from establishing that the Road Warriors were badass. (0.5/5)
Finally, a match with some significance - Virgil vs. Ted DiBiase. After some words from celebrity guests Donald Trump, Henry Winkler, and Lou Ferrigno, it was time for a serious grudge match between the Million Dollar Man and his former servant. The build for this match was classic WWE storytelling with Virgil, backed by Roddy Piper, finally standing up for himself against DiBiase at the Royal Rumble. Piper plays a huge role in this match as Virgil was still very green. The psychology was really sound too as Virgil comes out firing, but eventually gets overtaken by DiBiase's technical prowess. On a show with not a ton of actual wrestling, DiBiase's performance stands out. DiBiase goes after Piper on the outside, leveling him with a right hand that sends him to the arena floor (Piper was on one crutch after a motorcycle accident). Piper valiantly claws his way back to ringside and uses his crutch to cause DiBiase to spill out of the ring, leading to a countout victory for Virgil. The histrionics don't stop there, though, as Sensational Sherri runs out to the ring to prevent Piper from getting at the Million Dollar Man. Sherri and DiBiase beat on Piper in the ring and, after they leave, Piper refuses any assistance from the referees. Struggling to get to his feet independently, Virgil grabs a mic and yells at him to stand up for himself. What a great touch there. The "wrestling" part of this match is certainly not up to snuff, but boy do DiBiase, Piper, and eventually Sherri - and the hot crowd - push this into above-average territory and maybe even one of the more underrated matches/segments in WrestleMania history. (3.5/5)
A quick note - so much of WrestleMania VII's build-up was initially about beating their own attendance record from WrestleMania III that it is really funny to hear the commentators repeatedly mention that this show had the biggest pay-per-view audience in history...which it most certainly didn't as far as I could tell based on what is online.
Back to the ring we go for The Mountie vs. Tito Santana. Any time someone mentions that Tito Santana was in the running to win the WWE Championship in 92' or 93' or whenever, I always shake my head in disbelief. While he doesn't lose clean to The Mountie, he does lose in almost comedic fashion in under 2 minutes here to further push The Mountie. Tito gets a good response from the crowd, but I just don't see Vince rehabbing this guy into a World Championship-level guy after he'd become a jobber-to-the-stars for years by this point. Bret Hart was on the rise after SummerSlam 91' and you still had a bunch of other guys on the roster who could've and would've been able to take the ball, even in the short-term, after Hogan left - from the aforementioned Hitman to Randy Savage to Roddy Piper even (he was still active enough in late 91'/early 92' and, obviously, would eventually return to wrestle a number of years in WCW) to guys like Mr. Perfect, The Undertaker, Rick Martel, and Sid Vicious, all of whom were heels at that time but maybe could've been switched over sooner to fill the top babyface role (by 93', you also had Yokozuna and Razor Ramon around). As for this match, not a feather-in-the-cap for either guy and clearly just another filler match before the main event. A half-point awarded for Santana at least hitting his finisher early to make it clear that, in a fair fight, he would've had The Mountie's number. (0.5/5)
Main event time - Hulk Hogan vs. Sgt. Slaughter for Slaughter's WWE Championship. Hogan chases Slaughter around the ring before the bell rings and its awhile before they finally lock up. As much as people deride this main event now, its undeniable that the crowd in this arena, on this night, was fully into this as they chant "USA!" throughout the contest at high volumes and pop every time Hogan hits a big move (mostly shoulder blocks). Hogan controls early and no sells interference by General Adnan, but the distraction allows Slaughter to grab a chair and hit him in the back with it...which Hogan also no-sells. Slaughter begs off in classic heel fashion but then pokes Hogan in the eye. Slaughter puts the boots to Hogan with a series of strikes - an elbow drop, a back elbow, some knees - but then gets caught by a Hogan clothesline. At one point, Hogan rakes Slaughter's back despite him wearing a tee-shirt and a tank top over it. At this point, things get repetitive as Hogan connects with a forearm and then sends Slaughter into the turnbuckle. I'm not a "movez for movez" sake guy, but the amount of Irish Whips into the ropes/turnbuckle followed by a clothesline/right hand is ridiculous. Hogan goes to the second rope - which I'm not sure he'd ever done before in his career - but it doesn't come to anything as he no-sells Slaughter's punch to the gut to counter what appeared to be an axehandle. Hogan then goes to the top rope and this time Slaughter catches him with a press slam that sends him to the mat. Slaughter hits a very weak clothesline on Hogan to send him over the top rope and then follows it up with a series of chair shots to the back on the outside. Slaughter pulls a cord around Hulk's neck, choking him out on the arena floor. Just like with Hogan's control segment, Slaughter's is also quite dull and based on simple strikes and boots (though at least it makes some sense as his finisher relied on damaging his opponent's back). Slaughter applies a Boston Crab and Hogan is literally inches from the ropes - which commentator Regis Philbin notes - but for some reason tries to power his way out until he finally does grab the rope. Slaughter continues working on his back with boots and knees and then goes to the top rope, hitting a big driving boot into the lower back of the Hulkster. Slaughter gets a visual pin over Hogan, but Adnan is such an idiot that he costs Slaughter the match! I'm surprised Hogan was okay with giving Slaughter the visual pin. Anyway, Slaughter nails him with a chair again and now Hogan is busted open. The crowd is going wild having seen their hero get bloodied as Slaughter maintains control. Slaughter applies the Camel Clutch but Hogan won't quit so Slaughter goes back on the attack, stomping on Hulk's back before reapplying the hold. This time Hogan crawls his way out by getting to a vertical base, eventually standing up with Slaughter on his back! Slaughter sends Hogan into the corner and then grabs the Iraqi flag. He covers Hogan up with it and goes for a pinfall, but Hogan kicks out and tears the flag! Hogan then does his "Hulking Up" shtick, no-selling some rights from Slaughter, pointing to the finger, hitting a series of big right hands of his own before hitting the big boot and the legdrop to get the clean W (though, interestingly, Slaughter does do the classic kick-out at 3.1, which I always thought was a "no no"?). The crowd is electric enough and both Hogan and Slaughter work hard enough to make this an acceptable main event. (2.5/5)
Though its 1.96-out-of-5 Kwang Score would suggest that this show is a chore to get through and I can't deny my nostalgic love for the WWE in 92', WrestleMania VII is not a slog to get through and is, more often than not, a fun show to watch. Though only Savage/Warrior is anything close to a classic, the Tag Titles match is solid, the Virgil/DiBiase match tells a great story, and the main event is a C- match elevated by an A+ crowd. The show's worst matches - Earthquake/Valentine, Von Erich/Bravo, etc. - are all kept short to give time to the matches that mattered most, making for a show with lots of variety and momentum building up to the final bout.
FINAL RATING - Watch It...With Remote in Hand
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